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Jealous Partner
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Jealous Partner
Frustrated... Not the first time I have been this route... In a nightclub this evening and I spot a couple looking me over. I can tell the female is very interested and the male appears to be happy that she is interested. I approach the couple and engage in casual conversation and I can tell that he is uneasy. He makes comments that are taken by me to mean... yeah she interested and so are you, bt it ain't happening.... I pick on that immediately, she doesn't... and so I begin a conversation with the tow of them expecting nothing more than that. What pisses me off is that he totally misreads me and thinks I want his girlfriend... I did initially, but out of respect I did not pursue her (even though she wanted more). SO the whole time I am getting to know them (expecting nothing in return) he is on guard and misses the opportunity for the thre of us to establish a friendship.....
Guys, I am not looking to replace you, only to enhance the relationship,so get over yourselves and understand that there are single men who will respect an individual's wishes to be friends and nothing more, I am not looking to screw your girlfriend/wife without your consent. There are times when establishing friendships is far more important to everyone concerned than having a sexual encounter! |
RE: Jealous Partner
Sorry to hear of your experience tonight...I think this is why I avoid clubs and prefer house parties.
As for men being jealous, it is sad to see that in a relationship. I've been there myself for many years and thankfully I am out! It truly is a shame that people cannot just relax and be themselves. Not everyone is in it for the sex.
:coolbabe:
Sharon |
RE: Jealous Partner
yeh sorry to here that, and also agree with sharon about the clubs, thats why we don't do that anymore, plus believe it or not but alcohol helps the jealous effect on a guy get worse ,and for her alcohol just sparks a hoochie within her waiting to strip out!!!!! sorry but its how it goes!!!! lol better luck nexttime babe, lovs keri |
RE: Jealous Partner
Sorry this has happened to ya!! Jealousy has NO part in this lifestyle!!! You said it best, when ya talked about friendship first!! When another male encounters a cpl, he also needs to know his place. That's why conversation is SO VERY IMPORTANT!
We don't go to swinger's parties, we prefer to meet people in a public place! Unless we have talked to them/him/her & feel comfortable to meet them in a 'private' setting. xoxo Shirley |
RE: Jealous Partner
I had to share this one, when i came on a few minutes ago and just glanced at the forums, keep in mind i just got up from a lil nap, so i was grogy, lol, i looked at the title of this one and thought it read, "Jesuses Partner", lol lol lol I thought, oh no jesuses in the LS and has a partner, man we all going to hell!!!!!! lmao lmao lmao lmao :donald: :donald:
then i wiped my eyes and checked it out again,....."Weeewwwww, nope just my eyes, we good, we good!!!" lmao lmao lmao lmao |
RE: Jealous Partner
For whatever reason he felt uncomfortable with you, and you read the signs and got his hint, yet, instead of saying nice to meet you and move on, you decided to create more tension between all of you by trying to strike a friendship. That's beating on a dead horse isn't it?
A less polite guy would've probably told you straight up to piss off. No reason to get butt hurt, we have met or had to deal with single guys and couples that didn't knew how to take a hint and were too persistent, it's a turn off. Hell, we had a naked girl change her mind in the middle of play, than tell us that hopefully next time will be better - told her there's not going to be a next time and moved on.
He was uncomfortable, he didn't wanted your "relationship enhancement" and while his lady was not picking on his hints, you did; he was too polite, shy or nonbelligerent to speak his mind and by your actions you probably created friction in their relationship. He was not the problem, you were, when you stuck around, you became a threat to him. Sorry to rain in your parade, but you acted like a jack ass, your friendship was unwanted by the both of them, and you should've accepted that, no explanation needed or owed. Forceful love has different names, harassment and rape comes to mind......
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RE: Jealous Partner
Just read your post again, and, another thing:
If this is not the first time this happened to you, did it ever cross your mind that you might be too pushy/aggressive? |
RE: Jealous Partner
How can you assume and say He was the problem, and then say he acted like a jackass? That is just uncalled for. Why would a man sitting with his date think he has to peacock and put his guard up instead of carrying on a conversation? Not everyone wants to fuck, and to assume that and get all huffy about it with little innuendos instead of saying "sorry not interested" is definitely more of a problem.
:coolbabe:
Sharon |
RE: Jealous Partner
Sharon,
I'm not sure we read the same post then.
Initially, I tended to feel sorry for the guy that cries "poor me". But then I read the thread again.
Peacocking or not, the other man felt uncomfortable, the OP agrees that not only he picked up on it, but also got the hint. Had it been a more assertive guy would've told him upfront to piss off, I would have.
The OP mentioned that he could tell the other man was uneasy, but decided to stay. Dropped hints but he stayed. A gentleman should've give him space, yet the OP decided to stay and work on creating an eventual friendship?! Read between the lines, he was not welcomed yet decided to disregard the other man, he was pouring salt on a wound at this point, bullying the other man in front of his girlfriend.
Then read again the post, is NOT THE FIRST TIME this happened to the OP. Can you see a pattern there maybe?
And any men that decides he wants to play with a cpl should accept the terms of the cpl, he wasn't. We're not robots, we have the right to feelings, one being jealousy. Also the right to be turned off by something at any point. Or to say NO.
I don't believe my comment was uncalled for, the OP asked for my opinion when he posted in a public forum, if he wanted a different answer he should've asked his mother, she loves him and to her he doesn't have any faults. To me that was jack ass behavior just like me answering his post seemed to bother you. And we're all entitled to our opinions.
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RE: Jealous Partner
Magiriano assumes that he was right there with me, well he wasn't. You did not observe the body language that in the beginning said they were both interested, that is the ONLY reason I approached them. She made eye contact first and the two of them continued to look in my direction. The body language suggested they were approachable otherwise I wouldn't have struck up a conversation. It wasn't until we began talking and conversing that it became obvious he wasn't cool with his lady being interested in me. I picked up on it, and we talked for a bit and I graciously backed out. So from that you assume I am the problem.... Here is the issue.... Guys that say that are cool in this lifestyle that get jealous when their lady is interested in someone else have no business being in this lifestyle. AS I said, I value friendships first. You are so off base in your comments and perhaps have insecurities yourself and that is why you read it the way you do.....
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RE: Jealous Partner
I think we both read the same post, but our interpretations was definitely taken different. This looks more like a couple issue to me, as one partner is not interested while the other is. Lack of communication between partners can cause a lot of misunderstandings. If this couple would have been on the same page and stated that they weren't interested in playing around, then dialog could have been opened up about everyone's true intentions. Instead a flirt from one and a non communication lead to a lot of innuendo and confusion.
:coolbabe:
Sharon |
RE: Jealous Partner
I have to say that although harshly worded I agree with Magiriano on this one. It was my first instinct as well when I read the post and was surprised when reading the responses that no one else felt the same way. As soon as he felt one of them being uncomfortable then he should have left them alone.
I feel there definately is a place for jealousy (if we want to choose that word) in the LS and anywhere else. Sometimes when you meet someone they just rub you the wrong way and you don't like them, I don't think it is always jealousy but just bad chemistry or something else that you just feel.
So many times in the LS you can be attracted to someone but as soon as you talk to them you loose your interest. The opposite is also true, someone that did not catch your eye right away becomes increasingly more sttractive as you get to know them.
I also noted that the poster says this is not the first time this has happened to him which makes me think that he needs to really step back and take a good look at how he is interacting with people at clubs. Even if he is respectful when first meeting people his overall behaviour could rub people wrong. People watch people at clubs and even a man that was respectful to me might have some other behaviours I witnessed throughout the night that I found to be a turn off.
If he frequents this club and continues to have this happen he is quickly going to get a reputation cause all us couples certainly tell our friends about a bad experience or bad vibe we feel. |
RE: Jealous Partner
I also agree with Magiriano. Once Downtownheaven picked up on the guy being uncomfortable he should have backed off. All the way off. And no I wasn't there either but I can come up with some theories that fit the story as told. (1) Maybe the woman was interested but the guy didn't like you and his looks in your direction were not those of a guy interested in you hooking up with his woman. (2) Maybe there was an initial interest from both of them but you barrel-assed into their space and blew it. (3) Maybe the couple was scanning and evaluating everyone. You happened to catch her eye when they got to you. They would have dismissed and moved on but you snagged the eyes.
You are right about one thing. Jealousy has no place in this lifestyle. But let me tell you something. A partner giving you the thumbs down doesn't necessarily mean jealousy. Partners watch out for each other. If one has an interest in someone, that interest may blind them to potential problems. A trusted partner's got your back and if they sense anything may warn. I would never tell Becca who she can or can't play with, but if I smell a rat or feel uncomfortable in any way I will tell her so and why I feel that way. And I trust her instincts the same way. For example, there are certain signs that a person might be into drama that are easy to miss if you happen to be smitten. Maybe the woman was interested but the guy had the impression you might be the type that goes and bellyaches on swinger web forums about failed hookups due to jealous partners.
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RE: Jealous Partner
I don't assume anything, I debated every line in the original post. I do not know you, your demeanor and didn't see your actions. I based my explanation on what you wrote. Maybe you left out something, maybe you didn't.
So the body language told you that they were ready and willing. She made eye contact and they looked you over. Maybe they liked you, or maybe you misread them, it doesn't matter, you approached them and the boyfriend let you know that he changed his mind, or got cold feet, whatever the case, he wasn't game anymore. In a swinging situation, you have to move at the pace of the slowest player, in this case, HIM. But instead of slowing down, you tried to keep up with the one that was running - her.
Her boyfriend knows her better, and he knew that maybe she had a drink too many, was trying to make him jealous, was on medication or had some party favors. He was a perfect gentleman by not telling you off, but dropping hints that you completely understood but disregarded. He didn't owe you an explanation, and he has the right to refuse your friendship.
His girlfriend liked you, he didn't for whatever reason, had a change of heart, cold feet or felt threatened it doesn't matter, swinging as a couple is a TEAM sport, and he was part of the team, you weren't.
If you don't bring your own toy at a playground, some kid my let you play with his or might not, however, he makes the rules and can change them in mid game, is HIS toy you're trying to play with.
And, maybe he is BI and expected a MMF and not a MFM and felt left out. Lulu will not play with a man that is not equally or more interested in me, we are both bi and we only play with single guys if they are BI. No straight single men. Too many equations in this problem, I wasn't there, and even so I don't read minds.
At New Year's Eve I touched a girl's hair in empathy(she wasn't feeling well, her hair was in her eyes) and her boyfriend freaked out. It wasn't sexual, I was feeling sorry for her and instinctively did it. He misread and misunderstood my action, and I promptly apologized. He will never understand my Mediterranean nature and that nonsexual touching is completely acceptable for us. To him, I broke some unknown to me rule. At that point no major boundaries were crossed, however, had I tried to reassure him about my "friendly intentions" he probably would've gotten all bent out of shape.
On two occasions now the M half of a cpl tried striking a conversation with me at the club, I cut him short and didn't really gave him the time of the day. Why, we exchanged quite a few emails a yr or so back on AFF, and, they distinctively said at one point that they're not interested and we're not their types. In person we look better than in pictures and now they probably are interested in getting acquainted or maybe more. To us it feels like we're their second choice. We could probably smooth it out but I don't owe them an explanation, I feel they were shallow in rejecting us without meeting in person first, and it would take too much work on their part to convince me or Lulu otherwise, we don't wanna subject them to it. It is our choice to reject their attempts at friendship, it is our choice who we make friends with.
Everyone has their reasons to accept/deny somebody, and, as a couple they have more choices than you do as a single. Accept their rules, to them, you are there for THEIR pleasure, not yours or hers.
You value friendship, the notion of friendship is grossly overrated, and too many people use the term loosely. A friendship is earned, and proven, not offered. People get offended all the time when I tell them that we're not friends yet.
My standards for friendship are so high, that I only have 2 friends, and while I'll put myself on the line and give the shirt off my back to everyone that I feel that deserves it, I do it without expectations. Anyone of my 2 friends would help me move a body, and I'd do the same for them. Everyone else will help me move a couch.
And maybe I have my own insecurities, and maybe I don't. And if I do, and decide to play with anyone, they should acknowledge and respect them, after all it is part of who I am, I can't remold myself to everybody's standards. We can't all be perfect, and if you are, good for you, but obviously you were too perfect for his comfort level. |
RE: Jealous Partner
You finally hit the nail in the head. The couple was not on the same page, maybe they weren't ready, maybe they were playing with fire; their communication was off, he got cold feet, etc. For whatever reason, he was no longer interested, and, the OP read the hints but chose to stick around and prove that he is a nice guy and worth having around. That was not what the other men was willing to accept, he got prickly as a porcupine and rightfully so. Someone was stretching his comfort level.
We have the right to say NO at any time, not just to sex but to unwanted attention too. |
RE: Jealous Partner
Gina knows what it's like to be
On the other side of midnight
Gina's eyes are sensitive
To the brighter side of daylight
She knows what it's like to be
The topic of conversation
Whie birthday boys are wallowing
In acres of adulation
I don't mind
If you stand around and look at me tonight
I quite like it
Kinds like us are blind
To the dirt that gathers in between the toes of moderation
Gina knows
You can come around but don't you talk to me
I'm not in the mood for conversation
You can come around but don't you talk to me
- Oysterhead |
RE: Jealous Partner
I agree, it was harshly worded, and for a good reason. The OP didn't see any of his faults and someone had to step up and tell him the cold hard truth. I am not known for sugarcoating things and not the most politically correct person in the world, and not his mother either. She loves him, she would let him down easy, I don't have to.
Had I been the other man at the club, as I already mentioned, I would've gotten in his face, and, unceremoniously told the OP to piss off. Only because I'm not as laid back as Mr. moabpair, who would've probably helped the OP make a clown of himself(moabpair, I could kiss you for the last line in your comment LOL!).
Life is harsh and being part of it, swinging it's not always a congeniality contest. I don't have to like or be liked by someone because they are just trying to be friends while ignoring my comfort zone.
Thank you for your comment, it helps knowing that while having a common goal we can agree to be different, and have the right to say no |
RE: Jealous Partner
As a heyoka, I am often called upon to help some clown display their big red nose and floppy shoes. Often this involves whipping out my own. Big red nose and floppy shoes.
You'd best buy me a drink before you try to kiss me. And I don't mean a PBR. |
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