Marriage Math

The Divine Equation: 1+1=1

Biblical Foundations of Oneness

In the words of Genesis, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). This foundational scripture highlights the divine math of marriage: 1 + 1 = 1. The concept of oneness in marriage is not just about physical unity but encompasses emotional and spiritual dimensions as well.

Spiritual Unity in Marriage

Spiritual unity in marriage is achieved when both partners are aligned in their faith and values. This alignment fosters a deeper connection and understanding, making it easier to navigate life's challenges together. Prayer and shared spiritual practices can significantly enhance this unity.

Living the Equation Daily

Living the equation of 1+1=1 daily involves continuous effort and commitment. Here are some practical steps:

• Communication: Open and honest communication helps in understanding each other's needs and expectations.


• Compromise: Being willing to compromise is essential for maintaining harmony.


• Shared Goals: Working towards common goals strengthens the bond and ensures both partners are moving in the same direction.

By focusing on these aspects, couples can experience the true essence of oneness in their marriage.

The Tug-of-War of Oneness

Only a few weeks after our wedding, my husband and I began competing in oneness tug-of-wars. We often butted heads on important decisions. Both of us even wanted our way in trivial issues. And the aftermath left us wounded, tattered, and wondering how to do this thing—two become one.

Because Mike and I really tried to become one…one in union…one in every decision and issue. But we both carried past baggage that got in the way. Every time we attempted to move forward, we tripped over those unpacked bags.

The Multiplication of Love: 1+1=3

The Concept of Multiplicative Love

In a good marriage, the two become one. Yet they also remain two. They don’t become one at the expense of the two. They become one in addition to the two. When marriage works, 1+1=3. This concept highlights how a strong marital bond can create something greater than the sum of its parts.

Benefits of a Strong Marital Bond

A strong marital bond offers numerous benefits:

• Emotional support and stability


• Enhanced personal growth


• Increased happiness and life satisfaction

These benefits underscore the importance of nurturing the marital relationship.

Influencing Each Other Positively

In a thriving marriage, partners influence each other positively. This positive influence can manifest in various ways, such as encouraging each other to pursue personal goals, providing emotional support during challenging times, and fostering a loving and supportive environment. John reminds us how God illuminated our world with the truth of the gospel. Christ in love left heaven to come and save us. If we commit ourselves to Christ, we can reflect this love in our marriages, creating a relationship where 1+1 truly equals 3.

Mathematical Models of Marital Stability

Understanding Marital Dynamics

Divorce rates are at an all-time high. But without a theoretical understanding of the processes related to marital stability and dissolution, it is difficult to design and evaluate new marriage interventions. The Mathematics of Marriage provides the foundation for a scientific theory of marital relations. The book does not rely on metaphors, but develops and applies a mathematical model using difference equations.

Applying Mathematical Models

The Mathematics of Marriage is a splendid, important, and extremely useful book. Gottman and colleagues set a new standard for psychological explanation with their exquisite conversation among theory, models, data, and clinical intervention. They also provide the most clear and accessible introduction to the mathematics I have seen. This work is compelling evidence of the power of mathematical models in understanding marital dynamics.

Evaluating Marital Interventions

Applying ideas such as phase space, null clines, influence functions, inertia, and uninfluenced and influenced stable steady states (attractors), the authors show how other researchers can use the methods to weigh their own data with positive and negative weights. While the focus is on modeling marriage, the techniques can be applied to other types of psychological phenomena as well.

The Ratio of Positive to Negative Interactions

In the world of relationships, the most important numbers to learn are: five to one. That is the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones that predicts whether a marriage will last or become one of the sad statistics of divorce.

The Give and Take of Marriage

Perceptions of Fairness

Marriage is often described as a give and take that can be expressed in mathematical terms. Many mates feel that their marriage is 60/40 by which they mean that they give 60% and get 40%. Of course, others would say that their marriage adds up differently, more like 70/30, 80/20, 90/10, or worst. As the second number slides down, the state of the marriage slips further and further from the ideal.

Balancing Contributions and Rewards

Over the years, I have told couples that marriage is a 100/0 proposition, meaning each should give 100% without expecting anything in return. That sure sounds good. As they say, it looks good on paper. In real life, it rarely adds up. Frankly, barring some extreme circumstance, like one being totally bedridden, to expect nothing in a marriage is idealism in the extreme.

Adjusting Expectations for Harmony

The key to successful compromise is a give-and-take attitude. We must be willing to make concessions, but we should also expect the same from the other person. In marriage, it comes from and through God. And it doesn’t mean we sit down and do nothing. Instead, we must be intentional as husband and wife or the relationship will falter under the ideas of separate or mine.

Higher Math in Marriage: Beyond Addition and Subtraction

Avoiding Subtraction and Division

If your marriage is not adding up, the solution is not subtraction or division. Use higher math and your intimacy will multiply.

In a good marriage, the two become one. Yet they also remain two. They don’t become one at the expense of the two. They become one in addition to the two. When marriage works, 1+1=3. There are two ways to miss the equation to success.

Embracing Multiplication in Intimacy

Because the math of a good marriage is 1+1=3, I have two responsibilities in marriage–me and us. I am not in charge of my wife. I am in charge of myself and I can greatly influence the relationship. At its best, there are few things better than marriage. It makes me better as an individual and makes me part of something I could never be on my own.

Advanced Strategies for Marital Success

The most wonderful work we do on earth is the work we do to establish a truly Christian home. This home is built on a marriage that continues to follow God’s principles. As Evelyn and I have worked to found our marriage on the Bible, Christ has united us with Himself. This oneness serves as the fertile ground for all else the Lord desires to do in and through us.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the concept of 'Marriage Math'?

'Marriage Math' is a metaphorical framework that uses mathematical concepts to describe and understand the dynamics of a marital relationship. It explores ideas such as oneness, multiplicative love, and the balance of give and take in marriage.

How does the equation 1+1=1 apply to marriage?

The equation 1+1=1 symbolizes the biblical and spiritual concept of oneness in marriage, where two individuals come together to form a unified whole. This idea is rooted in the notion that a married couple should be united in purpose, love, and spirit.

What does 1+1=3 mean in the context of marriage?

In marriage, 1+1=3 represents the idea that a strong marital bond not only unites the couple but also creates additional value and positive outcomes. This could be in the form of emotional support, mutual growth, and a nurturing environment for any children.

What is the significance of the 5:1 ratio in marriages?

The 5:1 ratio refers to the balance of positive to negative interactions in a marriage. Research suggests that for a marriage to be successful and satisfying, there should be at least five positive interactions for every negative one.

How can couples balance individuality and unity in marriage?

Balancing individuality and unity involves recognizing and respecting each other's personal interests and differences while working towards common goals and maintaining a strong emotional and spiritual connection.

What are some practical steps to foster unity in marriage?

Practical steps to foster unity include open communication, mutual respect, shared activities, regular quality time together, and seeking spiritual or professional guidance when needed.

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